Housetrix
by Blue Panda
Summary: You are the ONE...House. Spoof of The Matrix . R&R.
1. Red Vicodin or the Blue Vicodin

**A/N:** Hello, this story will take the plot of all three Matrix movies. Of course some things may be left out, or I may add a few things, mix events up, ect. Below is a chart showing the **_main_** characters and their relationship to the movie. Enjoy!

_Characters in relation to the Matrix:_

**Neo** – House

**Morpheus** – Foreman

**Trinity** – Cameron

**Agent Smith** – Cuddy

**Oracle** – Wilson

**Tank (operator)** - Chase

**Matrix – **Housetrix** – **unreal world

**Zion – **Housezon – real world

**CHAPTER ONE: The Red Vicodin or The Blue Vicodin…**

House, asleep at his keyboard, laid there…drooling. Yet you couldn't blame him because he was hard at work trying to diagnosis some patient-spoilers on the next General Hospital episode…some chick had a baby, some dude in the hospital for a gun shot wound, old men fighting, nothing new…

_Click_

House awoke to his computer screen blank and a green blinker flashing

_Click click click_

Writing began to show up on his screen

_Wake up stupid!_

**House:** What the-

_Are you awake?_

House typed back

_Yes you Moran! What? You want some person to die because I can't research his condition on the computer!_

_I like General Hospital too!_

_Who the Hell are you!_

_Follow the write rabbit…_

**House:** What?

The computer monitor returned to the General Hospital website.

**House:** Dude...I'm high

Suddenly he heard scratching at his office door.

**House:** I'm naked leave me alone!

Scratch sniff hop hop

**House:** Seriously! GO AWAY!

Crunch crunch snuggle snuggle

House now annoyed went to the door, opened it, and found Stacey in a bunny suit rolling around on the floor.

**House:** Either I'm right that I'm high or you're going though a hot flash or something!

After a pause

**House:** Why are you dressed as a white….holy crap I am stoned!

Stacey started hoping away

**House in though:** I should follow her…she may lead me to a rapping Wilson and a dancing Barbra Walters…

Stacey ended up leading House to an abandon cafeteria on the 7th floor

**House:** Why am I here this isn't exciting…

Suddenly Cameron appeared

**Cameron:** They're watching you House.

**House:** Who's watching me?

**Cameron:** I know why you're here. I know why you sit at your computer every night looking at Soap Opera spoilers…you're looking for him.

**House:**…Foreman…

**Cameron:** Yes House, at one point I was looking for him to.

**House:** You're the one who hack my computer 23 and a half minutes ago.

**Cameron:** Yes

**House:** Who's coming after me?

**Cameron:** Cuddy.

House blacked out and found himself back at his computer…again asleep on his keyboard…

**Cuddy:** Get up!

**House:** What? What are you doing Cuddy?

Cuddy and her clones sat down at the opposite side of where House was sitting, she then slammed a file on his desk.

**Cuddy:** You see this? This your file, you've been living two lives one life you're a doctor who gets sued a lot and the other you're a (fill in the blank). Not to mention you owe me clinic time!

**House:** How'd you?

**Cuddy:** We can wipe this slate clean if you tell me who contacted you this morning.

**House:** How about I give you the finger and you give me my phone call.

**Cuddy:** You left me with no choice House

Cuddy got up and slapped House in the face which some how embedding a tracking device in his body.

House again blacked out and ended up at his computer

**House:** Man I really need to stop mixing my Vicodin with these cocktails…

A magically appearing phone appeared and started ringing….of course still thinking he's high House picked it up.

**House:** Hello-

**Foreman:** Get out there they're coming for you…jump out the window NOW!

House did as he was told….except what he didn't realize was that he wasn't high and he just jumped off the 589th floor. (Yes the abandon cafeteria and House's office are really far apart from each other…PPTH got bigger…if you haven't noticed.)

**House:** Crap…..

House was falling to his death

**House in though:** I still can't figure out why they charge me twice for that pair of sock…although they were argali.

Instead of hitting the group House somehow landed in some funky chair that was located in a freaky room. There was a table in from of him with a glass of water on it. Foreman was sitting on the other side of the table with perfect posture…and yes he had the funky sunglasses and the trench coat.

**House:** You know something…I think I like being high

**Foreman:** You not high

**House:** uhhh…yeah I'm high.

**Foreman:** Shut up! You're not high…you see you live in the Housetrix (matrix) and they want to kill you but I want you to save my homeland Housezon (Zion).

**House:** You mean Cuddy. Cuddy wants to kill me…why?

**Foreman:** She's an agent…she wants to destroy Housezon

**House:** No…why does she want to kill _me_?

**Foreman:** Because you're the chosen one House.

**House:** Dude I've never hallucinated like this before

**Foreman:** Will you listen to me you're NOT HIGH! Cameron come here.

Cameron came over with some pogo stick looking machine

Foreman placed it on House's forehead and pushed the button and the tracking device came out into the machine.

**House:** Damn that hurt!

**Foreman:** If that hurt then how can you be high?

**House:**………………………

**Foreman:** You have a choice House…you see…I have two Vicodin pills. A red one, and a blue one. If you take the blue one you wake up back at you keyboard yet again and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red one and I'll show you how far the rabbit hole goes.

**House:** I'm not high?

**Cameron:** No.

**Foreman:** Which pill House?

House hesitantly picked up the red pill and took it with the water provided.

Foreman flipped out his snazzy phone and pressed a button.

**Foreman:** Do we have a signal!

Chase the operator of the ship was on the other line.

**Chase:** Not yet.

House started to shake

**Cameron:** He's going into shock.

**Foreman:** Do we have a signal!

**Chase:** I'm working on it.

**Cameron:** He's going into arrest

**Foreman:** Chase!

**Chase:** Locked I've got him!

**Foreman:** Now Chase Now!

Chase pressed a button that made it so that House was downloaded and reborn into the real world…..also since it took them so long to get a signal on House they switched to Verizon which has the fewest dropped calls.

Foreman and Cameron walked over to a ringing phone picked it up and were transferred back home, to their ship which was stationed somewhere in the sewers of destroyed cities.

**Chase:** Welcome back guys!

**Foreman: **Yes, yes hello. Our plan worked out well I must say

**Cameron: **Very nifty indeed!

**Chase:** Are we going to pick up House now?

**Foreman:** Yup.

**Next Chapter: Welcome to the real world - Housezon.**

_I Love Comments, requests, suggestions and reviews:D _


	2. Welcome to the Real World Housezon

**A/N:** Thanks to all my reviewers. :) Sorry for the delay I couldn't upload any documents for a while.

**CHAPTER TWO – Welcome to the Real World – Housezon**

Foreman, Cameron, and Chase went to wherever it is you pick up people, once you take them from the matrix to get House. They took the scenic rout because Chase wanted to see the cows…even know there are no cows in the real world, but don't tell him that cuz his poor little heart will break…Once they got House they put him in the ship's infirmary to regain consciousness.

**Foreman:** House? House! Wake up.

**House:** Shut up you bum fluff I feel like crap!

**Foreman**: I'm sorry…that I care.

**House:** Why do I feel like this?

**Foreman:** Because we rebooted you.

**House:** What does that mean?

**Foreman:** I wish I knew.

_House tired of lying down and feeling helpless sat up_

**Chase:** Uhh dude I highly recommend that you lay back down!

**House:** Right and your grandma is hot!

_House jumped off the examination table….as soon as he did this he miserable fell flat onto his face_

**Cameron:** That was stupidly hilarious!

**House:** Ow

**Foreman:** Yeah your leg is still…well crappy.

**House:** Ow

_Chase walked away for a moment to get House a new cane…since the last one was left in The Housetrix._

**Chase:** Here you go, just don't mesh with the buttons on it.

_House grab the cane from Chase's hand_

**House:** Why shouldn't I?

_House pushed the button_

_**BOOOOOOOOM**_

**Cameron:** Sun of a "bad word"

**Chase:** Your cane is a rocket launcher/bazooka/nuclear war head.

**House:** oops.

**Forman:** You blew a hole in my ship you "again bad word"

**House:** Uhhh Foreman has anyone told you that your hair is stunning?

**Foreman:** I have no hair you idiot….

Moments later

**Foreman:** House come with me, Chase fix the whole, Cameron report to Housezon that we have House then notify the oracle that we'll be coming soon

_Foreman and House walk to the area of the ship where you get jacked into the Housetrix_

_House sat in one of the chairs and Forman put the plug into his neck_

**Foreman:** This will feel a little weird…

_Foreman walked over to the computer were he was loading programs to transfer into House _

**House:** I know Kun fu!

**Foreman:** Show me!

_House and Foreman where now in a dojo program_

_Meanwhile_

**Chase:** All fixed up! I knew that creating the "how to fix a hole in a ship if someone accidentally shot it with a nuclear war head program" wasn't a waste!

**Cameron:** The oracle is waiting….

**Chase:** Oh well that's good I think that Foreman and House are doing training sessions right now.

**Cameron:** Oh ok then, let's go watch them

_Cameron and Chase went over to the monitor which showed the fight going on between House and Foreman_.

_House swung his cane around and hit Foreman a couple times but Foreman head butted House with his big head and almost knocked him out._

**House:** Crap

**Foreman:** Free your mined House free you mined!

_House then jumped up in slow motion and kicked Foreman in the "Tibial Tuberosity" which made him fall. House won the fight._

**Foreman:** Great job House you have skill.

_Chase and Cameron released House and Foreman from the program_.

**Cameron:** The Oracle is waiting Foreman

**Foreman:** Great we'll go see him now

**Chase:** So House what do you think of real world?

**House:** It beats the morgue and the comma patient rooms

**Chase:** uhhh good to hear

**Foreman:** We'll socialize later. Jack us into the Housetrix we need to meet with the Oracle.

**Chase:** Righty-O Daddy-O

_To be continued…_

**Next Chapter – WWWD-What Would Wilson Do?**

_I Love Comments, requests, suggestions and reviews:D _


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